Domestic Violence

Marriage

FACTS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

• Physical abuse starts with emotional abuse. 90% of the scars left from physical abuse are emotional scars.
• 1 in 4 women suffer abuse at some time in her life.
• A woman is beaten every 15 seconds. Over 3 million women are beaten every year.
• Battering is the single major cause of injury to women in the U.S. 20% of all hospital emergency room visits by women are attributed to wife beating. 70% of all emergency room assault cases are women.
• 4,000 women die each year as a result of beatings, more than auto accidents, muggings, rapes and strangers COMBINED.
• 50% of female deaths are committed by the man who said, ”Until death do us part.”
• 75% of all female related homicides from domestic violence happen after a woman leaves.

Don't think it will happen to you?

• Violent families are found in every income category, ethnic background, racial group, educational level and profession.
• Approximately 1/3 of the men counseled for battering, are professional men who are well–respected in their jobs and their communities. This includes doctors, psychologist lawyers, ministers and business executives.
• Between 30% – 50% of female high school students report having already experienced teen dating violence.

Don't think it's a problem?

• In 60% of violent homes where the female partner is beaten, so are the children.
• Between 1.5 to 3 million children witness domestic violence annually.
• 600,000 children are physically, emotionally and sexually abused in violent homes annually.
• More children are served in women's shelters than women.
• 70% of all batterers grew up in violent homes. Boys who grew up in violent homes are more likely to grow up to be abusive partners as adults.
• 60% of men 18 – 22 incarcerated for homicide are convicted of killing their mother's batters.

SIGNS OF ABUSE

ABUSE IS A PATTERN OF CONTROL THAT USUALLY ESCALATES. It generally starts with emotional abuse and then escalates to physical violence.

Do you ever wonder if you are suffering from an emotionally abusive relationship? To find out if you are, take the survey below. If you check more than three, you are in a potentially abusive relationship.

I• s your partner irritated or angry with you several times a week (or more) although you do not mean to upset him? Are you surprised each time he gets angry? Does he say he is not mad when you ask him what he's mad about? Or does he tell you in some way that it's your fault?
• Do you find, when you try to discuss your upset feelings with him over issues that bother you, that he refuses to discuss the situations or tells you that ”You're trying to start an argument”?
• Do you find that each time the issues are never resolved, it leaves you unrelieved and unhappy?
• Do you frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by his responses because you can't get him to understand your intentions?
• Do you find yourself not so much upset about concrete issues (for example, how much time to spend with each other, where to go on vacation, etc.) – but more about the communication in the relationship? i.e. what he thinks you said and what you heard him say.
• Do you sometimes wonder, ”What's wrong with me? I shouldn't feel so bad?”
• Do you find that your partner rarely, if ever, wants to share his thoughts or plans with you?
• Do you find your partner takes the opposite view from you on almost everything you mention, and that his view is not qualified by ”I think” or ”I believe” or ”I feel”? (As if your views are wrong and his are right.)
• Are you not allowed to say, ”Stop” without a punishment?
• Does he get either angry or has ”no idea of what you are talking about” when you try to discuss an issue with him?
• Do you feel like a child in the relationship, having to ask permission and apologizing for your behavior? Do you feel powerless and ”less than” your lover?
• Have you stopped seeing your friends and family? Does your partner criticize your friends and family members? Did he complain so much when you saw them in the past that you finally stopped seeing them all together so you wouldn't have to argue with him about it? Are you ashamed to see your friends or family because of your mate's behavior? Are you embarrassed at having put up with so much from him?
• Do you believe that you are to blame for your partner's problems? • Do you feel you are mostly responsible for the problems with the relationship?
• Does your partner try to take advantage of you sexually or make unreasonable sexual demands on you?
• Does your lover's personality change when he drinks alcohol?
• Does your mate use ”humor” to put you down or degrade you?
• Does he lack the ability to laugh at himself?
• Does he find it hard to apologize or admit he is wrong? Does he make excuses for his behavior or always blame others for his actions?
• Does he usually get his way in deciding when and where the two of you will go?
• Does he control or disapprove of your spending, but has no problems spending on himself?
If you have found yourself checking more than three of the above, you are in a potentially abusive relationship.

Physical Violence Behavioral Checklist

If any of the following has happened, then you have been physically abused.

• Slap, punch, grab, kick, choke, push, restrain, pull hair, pinch, bite
• Rape (use of force, threats or strong verbal pressure to obtain sex)
• Use of weapons, throwing things, keeping weapons around which frighten
• Abuse of furniture, home furnishings, pets, destroying possessions
• Intimidation (standing in the doorway during arguments, angry or threatening gestures, use of size to intimidate, standing over, outshouting or driving reckless
• Threats (verbal or nonverbal, direct or indirect)
• Harassment (uninvited visitor calls, following him/her around, checking up on him/her embarrassing him/her in public, not leaving when asked)
• Isolation (preventing or making if difficult for others to see you or for you to talk to friends, relatives or others.
• Counselors, researchers and literature on family abuse note the following forms of abuse:

Violent and controlling behaviors checklist:

Psychological and Economic Abuse

• Yelling, swearing, being lewd, raising your voice, using angry expressions or gestures
• Criticism (name–calling, swearing mocking, putdowns, ridicule, accusations, blaming, use of trivializing words or gestures)
• Pressure Tactics (rushing her to make decisions, using guilt or accusations, sulking, threatening to withhold financial support, manipulating the children, abusing feelings)
• Interrupting, changing topics, not listening, not responding, twisting her words and topic stringing
• Economic Coercion (withholding money, the car, or other resources, sabotaging her attempts to work
• Claiming ”The Truth”, being the authority, defining her behavior, using ”logic”
• Lying, withholding information, infidelity
• Withholding help on childcare or housework. Not Emotional withholding (not expressing feelings, not giving support, validation, attention, compliments, respect for her feelings, rights, and opinions
• Not taking care of yourself (not asking for help or support from friends, abusing drugs or alcohol, being a ”people–pleaser”

THE EFFECTS OF BATTERING OVER TIME ON:

Women:

• Isolation from others
• Low self–esteem
• Depression
• Increased alcohol or drug abuse
• Emotional problems
• Illness
• Pain and injuries
• Permanent physical damage
• Death

Children:

• Emotional problems
• Illness
• Increased fears, anger
• Increased risk of abuse, injuries, and death
• Repetition of abuse behavior

Men:

• Increased belief that power and control are achieved by violence
• Increase in violent behavior
• Increased contact with law enforcement
• Increased emotional problems
• Decreased self–esteem

Society:

• Increase in crime
• Increase in legal, police, medical and counseling costs
• Increased prison costs
• Cycle of violence continues
• Beliefs of inequality of men and women continue.
• Decrease in quality of life

RESOURCES AVAILABLE TO YOU:

• 24–hour hot line – Trained staff are available to offer crisis help for domestic violence and its related problems.
• Emergency Shelters – Shelters provide protection for women and their minor children, available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. There are limits to length of stay.
• Legal Advocacy –Help and support through the criminal system, including information about finding an attorney and legal services.
• Outreach – Support groups for survivors of abuse as well as groups for batterers. If your employer has an EAP with Cascade Centers, Inc., call us for a free confidential phone consultation or to make an appointment to see a counselor who can help you or a loved one.

If you would like to speak with a counselor about these issues, please call Cascade EAP for an appointment: 1–800–433–2320.